Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Feeling bummed...

So a week ago, just before Christmas, I had a doctor's appointment with my regular physician. It was a "routine" diabetic visit, one that should be scheduled every 3-4 months.  It had actually been more like 6 months. 

I hate these visits. I never leave feeling good about myself or my body. I feel like I'm aging before my time. Genetics is not on my side. Turning 49 earlier this month did not help my attitude about this whole aging thing. I'm having hot flashes right and left and I can't seem to get a start on losing those 25 pounds I need to take off (again).

But I know eventually I need to go in, so I decided it was time to bite the bullet. And the news was not good. My blood sugar numbers were up. I can't say I was really surprised. My stress has been pretty high this fall. I have not been exercising like I should. My meds don't seem to be working. 

So my doctor informed me that I needed to start taking insulin once a day. I sat in her office fighting tears as she explained how much better insulin is now, how easy it is to use...It may be easier, but it still does not feel good. At best, I feel like I'm failing and at worst, I feel like I'm cursed. Like I said, genetics is not really on my side.

I have been a Type II diabetic for over 10 years. My mother has been a diabetic for years and I think my father was possibly a Type II diabetic as well.  Up to now, I've been managing my diabetes with oral medications, but I have never had stellar numbers. Over time this plays havoc with your body. I run a much higher risk for kidney and heart disease. Given my family history of heart disease that is something that needs to be taken seriously. 

Today I had my little "education" appointment with the nurse...I was walked through how to give myself the injections. I'm not really worried about it...I had to give myself injections when I had the blood clots years ago. I'm not saying that I'm excited about it, but I'm not a needle phobe.

I guess the part that I don't like about it is that it's just another sign that this disease is getting the upper hand...it is becoming more intrusive. And it's not getting better.

I'm writing about this because writing helps me to work through things...and I'm warning you that I'm having a bit of a pity party, but I assure you I'll get past this. But just for a moment can I say how much it sucks dealing with this every day. I'm not the healthiest of eaters, but certainly not the worst...and sometimes it just annoys the crap out of me that people around me can eat so much worse and not pay the consequences. Sure, maybe they are just living in their own little land of denial, but sometimes I really just don't want to think about what I'm eating. And honestly, I don't like exercising. I'd rather be painting in the studio. I need some motivator to get out there and start moving. Frankly, I would like a dog that would insist on being taken out, but I don't think that's in the cards right now.

So I'm trying to wrap my head around all this.  I'll probably be writing about this a bit more. I need a place to vent, deal with disappointments, and hopefully celebrate some successes. 

Like a lot of folks, the beginning of a new year seems a good time to re-dedicate myself to living healthier. I will lose those 25 pounds (again). I will get better control of my blood sugars. I will look and feel healthier and younger. 

Besides  a year from now, I turn the BIG 5-0!


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